Saturday, May 18, 2013

Keeping Secrets

All my life, I never really fully trusted anyone besides Faye and Janella, the best ever friends. Cause we told each other secrets na hindi namin sinasabi sa iba. We have life experiences na sobrang nagm-match or yung mga trip namin nasasakyan namin. Yeah, tomboy si Janella, and yeah sobrang close kami and mom even treats her like a baby kasi bata pa isip nya. But that's just a part of me that I really wanna say...

Right now, I feel so heavy. These are the moments that I can't do something to cope with it. I'm shaking, unable to understand, fake smiles and cannot even complete the beauty rest I was suppose to do. Ang hirap na kasi. The world is in its worst face; the people have been critical and needs a bigger ground. Everyday it's hard to cope with the world. Unlike before, life was easy living, the people just work and live with their families and be happy. But I guess that's just in my head and not in reality. Gadgets are needs nowadays and not wants. Natural resources are to be paid for. Families are broken and teens, teens are difficult, mature, immature and uneasy. Friends, you can only find now real friends once in a blue moon. These are the things that was slapped to me the moment I woke up in reality.

In my place, sobrang hirap na maghanap ng real friends. Sobrang hirap na magpakatotoo ka sa sarili mo dahil hindi ka matatanggap ng tao. In my place, I didn't gain true, trustworthy family members nor friends before. Yes, now I do. But it's not enough. People say, truth sets you free! - but why do true people have to struggle a lot more than the fake ones? Why do true people suffer more? Bakit ba hindi na lang maging madali ang buhay para sa lahat? Even if that happens, bakit ang hirap para sa mundo na tumanggap ng totoong tao nang hindi nanghuhusga? 

Sobrang hirap magsabi ng sikreto sa iba. A thought that was fixed in my head ever since. I never really trusted anyone, with everything. Maybe a little of my family background but that's it. Pero yung ako, yung sarili ko ang hirap. Maybe that's why it is so hard for me to tell a friend a secret; it's not just any secret. And it's really eating me alive because I can't keep it from her. I feel like a betrayed her and the world and myself mostly. What really hurts most is that people talk about me behind my back. I don't do that, maybe a couple of people but I face them, confront them but not like this. Hindi ko na kasi kayang itago na ganito. Actually, I considered this friend a very close friend. Na kahit may hindi maganda sa ugali nya, love ko siya because she's who she is. Pero bakit ang hirap gawin para sa side ko? It's like murdering our friendship. Sobrang nahihirapan ako... Ayoko kasing magtiwala sa isang taong hindi ako kayang intindihin. I only tell secrets to those I knew for a long time, yung alam kong mapagkakatiwalaan talaga. Pero minsan, ang rumors mabilis kumalat kaya napagk-kwentuhan ang isang tao. Pero iba kasi sya, this friend I know I can trust her pero ang hirap kasi ng situation. I tried talking to her about it but other things distracts her. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko masasabi ang secret ko sa friend ko. May mga idea na nga sya but we never talked about it. Sobrang natatakot ako sa magiging reaction nya. I feel so terrible. I don't know what to do or even say..... </3
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