Monday, December 28, 2015

A Speck In The Past


I wonder what you're doing right now? Maybe you're in a deep sleep; dreaming or maybe it's all blank? Whatever it is, it doesn't interest me anymore. Or it does because I care? Or curious? It's having mixed emotions; you feel it all at the same time not knowing which one really is the feeling that stands up. I get that a lot and you know it. I'm unpredictable, confusing, unsure of almost everything. I relied on you most of the time. That was when I was with you. I was hard-to-get because I didn't like you, but you were there, always, so I fell for the bait. It was beautiful with you, pretty much happy even when we fight and I fail to decide. At the end of the day, we would smile at each other, hug tight and bid good night.

I am arrogant, childish, inconsistent, a control freak - I know that but, I don't lie. I don't flirt like how you described me. What about you? What about those other girls before me? Have you taken all of them seriously? Or you treated them differently? You told me that. You told our friends those same stories. Were they even real? Don't worry, I'm not the only one who had second thoughts on your stories. But nevertheless, I believed you because I loved you. Yes, I loved you. Oh, those other girls from your school? Of course, you should remember her. Who else? I've heard quite stories behind those. I mean, legitimate stories. Was that really an accident meeting up at the computer laboratory or was that planned? Were were you when you were suppose to go home? Were you with someone? Oh, don't tell me. I wouldn't believe them anyway. I wasted my tears because I was hurt. I loved you but you couldn't just get that tussock moth caterpillar off of your pants, can you? Well, that's not my problem anymore. Lucky me.

It's true, that I didn't love you wholeheartedly from the start. I wasn't sure of any of it. I thought you were playing me, but I was wrong. Knowing that you changed for me was pathetic; because the thing is: you do not change for someone else other than yourself. You stopped drinking; you stopped smoking; you stopped playing and flirting with other girls just for me is pathetic. You could have done that for yourself. I pity you because you didn't know your self-worth before me. I pity myself because I let you hold me.

You made me fall in love like crazy; thinking I'd be happy with you; thinking that there's nothing else out there if I wasn't with you and that no one else will accept me like you do. That's how you made me feel. You practically destroyed me. I know you love me; you're willing to give your everything to me. But I didn't want it because we were a mess. You looked at us wonderfully but I see differently. It was me. I was the mistake. I had wronged myself because I don't know how to deal with you. I broke you and broke myself as well. You said I made you a wreck because you changed for me but you know what that's alright with me - I didn't ask for you to love me; to change for me because you didn't change yourself wholeheartedly. You changed but you kept a part of your old self in tact.

I do not have regrets loving you. I regret believing there's nothing more to life than having you. I fell out of love and found someone else. You call me ruthless names because you didn't think I'd found someone else immediately. What do you call yourself? Didn't you mention you'd date two girls at once? What about those lovely computer laboratory chit-chats? Were they nice? Let's not forget about our past; weren't they wonderful to you? Because when you first told them I was disgusted by it. I actually thought you were a cold-hearted prick. When I dated you, I knew I would be your karma. I told myself that because of your past - guess what? I was your karma.

I fell out of love because you don't deserve me anymore. I had to find myself, that's true. You don't question me or anything that comes along my path. You were holding me back so I had to let you go. It was difficult but I knew I had to. It wasn't my plan to greet someone else along with my hopes of finding myself again. You don't deserve any of me; my heart, my thoughts, my time, nor my pity. I didn't destroy you; you destroyed yourself. I was your one big hit karma.

I'm better now; having you nowhere around. I am happy with what I have; more proud with whom I am with. I'm more contented without you. I I changed myself for me to be better than I was. Right now, you're just another speck in my past that molded me into becoming greater than I was.
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